Our daughter, Kalissa, was driving home from a 12-hour shift at work. She called me and we were chatting. I told her I needed to get two blog posts written yet before I headed up to bed. She asked me what I was going to write about. I told her I had an “Ask Jo” segment almost finished but I wasn’t sure what else I was going to write about.
I’ve been writing the blog here for over 11 1/2 years now so I’ve learned that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m going to write about I just sit down and something typically comes. I might look on Facebook and see something that inspires me. I might look at the pictures on my phone and something inspires me.
What ended up inspiring this post was Kalissa. She said she thought I should write a blog post about how I deal with my unknown cancer stuff. She said I handle it all so well and she thought maybe, I might have something to say that might help one of you dealing with cancer, other medical things, or even life problems.
I thought I could give that topic a try. So how do I deal with the unknown? How do I deal with knowing cancer is growing inside me? How do I deal with knowing slow-growing cancer might change suddenly and become fast-growing? How do I deal with knowing cancer might be my ending?
I know this sounds simple but I just keep on living. I control what I can and have learned to let go of the rest. There was a time in my life that I was a worrier. I worried if my kids would grow into their names. I vividly remember worrying if would I pick the right name for my kids. I never wanted a girl name that sounded delicate like Tiffany because I was sure any child that came from Kramer and I would not be delicate…and I was right. They aren’t. Poor Kalissa has to wear men’s shoes as she can’t find shoes in a size women’s 13 wide.
I worried that I wouldn’t be liked. I worried that my kids wouldn’t be liked. I worried if I wore the right clothes, if my house was clean enough, if someone thought I was a nice person…oh my. The list could go on for forever. I would go to bed and couldn’t sleep. I had all the things to worry about. I remember lying in bed and listing the things I was worried about trying to find a solution to fix it all…and all of the things I was worried about weren’t something I could fix.
I don’t worry anymore.
After I was diagnosed with cancer, I learned that those things aren’t worth worrying about. The right clothes are the last things I worry about. Before I was so worried about if I looked like I wore “mom jeans”. Now I just put on what is in the closet and trust my daughters will tell me if I need something different.
One might think that being I don’t worry about that other “stuff”, that I might transfer my worrying to worrying about my cancer. I haven’t. I don’t.
Here’s the truth of things. Every 3-6 months, the doctors haul me in and give me the whole gamut of tests. I get blood work, ultrasounds, chest CTs, PET scans, and whatever else they can think of. I am watched closely. I go to the doctor for other things regularly. I just had a colonoscopy. I am going to schedule a mammogram soon. I take care of myself the best I can. I do everything I can do to watch my health…well I don’t eat perfectly, but other than that, I’m doing all I can.
If something shows up in any of these tests or procedures, I know that I have done everything I could do to catch it early. Beyond that, I can’t control a single other thing in regards to my health. None. Zip. Zero. NOT A SINGLE THING.
I can control nothing that happens inside my body in regards to disease. I cannot control a single thing. So, what would worrying do?
Well, worrying could do something…I think worrying could damage my mental health. That is the very last thing I want to do any damage to.
This might seem off-topic but bear with me… Continue reading