There is something odd that can happen when a spouse dies…I’ve been going through it some. I’ve been asking the question “what’s me??”…or “who am I without him?”.
I know it sound silly but so many things in my life were defined by Kramer.
-We lived in this area because of his job.
-Most of our friends were Fire Department or First Responder members.
-We had the antique booth because he wanted it.
-We were often late to things as he was running late from getting home from work.
-The lawn mower deck is low because that’s how he liked the lawn mowed.
-We didn’t go on vacations. He wouldn’t take off work.
-We had a window air conditioner in our bedroom even though we have central air as he liked to sleep where it was cool.
-The garage was messy as he hated to stop and clean.
-We had a pickup as our main vehicle because that’s what he liked.
This is a VERY short list. I daily find things that we’ve done together or that he’s maintained that I find myself asking, “was that him…or me…or both?”.
As an example:
I was invited to a wedding in August. Kramer hated traveling. There is a good chance we wouldn’t have gone. But…It’s just me now. Do I like to travel? Do I want to go?
We had the antique booth. Kramer loved it. I didn’t mind it. Do I still want to do it? I answered that one…NO.
Do I want the window air conditioner in the bedroom window? Do I like to sleep that cold?
My mind has drifted a time or two back to my late teens before I met Kramer. I planned on being a teacher. I planned on living in the cities. I planned to always drive a red car….Hmm. Are those things I want nowadays? I used to imagine myself as what my kids call a “Granola Girl”, one who likes natural foods, whole foods, and dresses a little Bohemian. Am I that girl or am I Mrs. Roger Kramer??
When I met Kramer and got married, so many of those thoughts and things fell to the wayside. They were immediately replaced with mom and wife ideas. Things that I liked and things Kramer liked blended. I think I gave more than he did…or his job dictated more than we realized. In all of this I can’t help but wonder where am I….”what’s me?”
I am sure some of you who have lost a spouse can relate…those of you have divorced likely can too.
Here are some things I’ve figured out….A blog reader mentioned to me that I should sell Kramer’s tools in the garage. I immediately knew I wouldn’t. I knew I like fixing. I love putzing with old furniture and refinishing it. Kramer and I both loved this. I knew there is a chance I would NEED to learn to fix something. I’d need the right equipment to do it so, as far as Kramer’s tools and stuff in the garage. I need to organize them (He never really did) and sort them. I need to organize them in a way I can understand….and I don’t think I need a pop riveter…at least not three of them!!
I do not need a window air conditioner. Kramer was ALWAYS so hot. Seriously, he was like a furnace. Without him here, it’s not nearly as hot in our bedroom. If I’m careful and open and close windows, which I prefer, I’m just fine….I actually like it. Now when winter comes…I’ll likely need flannel sheets and a heated mattress pad though.
The antique booth was easy for me to let go of. I have entirely too many things here to deal with and worry about. If he was still here, I’d do it- but me alone….NO.
There are so many things like this I wade through besides the obvious things that a person can see when a spouse dies. I can get through the life insurance, the changing of accounts, the signing of the papers. These things that are the “What’s Me?” things are so much harder. My brain goes a little like this…”AH! I’m so happy that I don’t have to watch raunchy comedy shows. I can watch all the British shows I want.”…to “Darn…I’d give anything to watch the raunchy comedy shows if only Kramer were here”. This is an ever rolling scenario. It plays daily.
It often has me wondering “what’s me?” now that he’s gone. This is nothing that can be solved in a day..in a week…or even in a year. It’s something I daily have to face, finding the “new me”.