It’s been a month since Arnie and I broke up. It’s given me a lot of time to think.
I’ve heard all of the people who think my family is great, and I don’t need a man in my life. They have a point. I do have a great family, and they could keep me busy. ..but…
Since Arnie and I split up, I’ve had some great days with the kids. Kelli and Kayla were home with the kids and we had a fun and productive couple of days…
I loved that. When Arnie was around, this didn’t happen much. When it did, I was always a little on edge. We do things a little differently here. We let the kids run and play. We don’t worry if they get out one toy before the next one is put away. If we did do that, we, the adults, would never get any time to visit. We’d be constantly chasing and worrying about the kids. When it is time to go, everything gets put away, and the house goes back to normal. It’s not the normal way of dealing with kids, but it works for us….it’s not too easy for others coming into the mix who like things neat. So if all of the family was around, sometimes it was hard for me to relax because I was worried about Arnie.
Kalissa and I had a great Saturday shopping at the Amish and then hitting up the vintage stores in Sumner when I got my cabinet.
These days didn’t happen when I was with Arnie.
Kalissa is so good about putting up with me in the store when I’m looking. She knows what I love and why I love it…she knows the look I’m going for. Other people aren’t as good as that. I missed times like the Saturdays I mentioned with the kids.
Arnie would come on Friday night and leave on Sunday late afternoon. Most of that time was just Arnie and me because that’s the way he liked it. He also came on Wednesdays. He was vocal about us having time alone. I didn’t realize the things I was missing with the kids because that’s the way he liked that time to be just me and him. I completely recognize that most families aren’t like mine…we do a lot together.
Kramer has been gone for almost seven years now. I’ve learned to do things on my own…and I did a lot of things on my own even before he passed away. It was the nature of him being gone farming so much. I learned to do things like burn off the garden on my own. In the Spring and the Fall, I collect all the plant rubbish, put it in the garden, and burnt it. I’ve done it for years and years. I know how to do it. I know how to start the fire…I know how to feed the fire. I can do this on my own. I don’t like being told how to do it in a way implying that I’ve never lit a match before. I’m a little too independent.
It’s one of those things…being independent is great…being too independent can be a little much. I always tried really hard to be in the middle. Sometimes I’m not successful in staying in the middle lane.
Those are some of the reasons that I think staying single might be great. There are more examples but I think you get the idea.
Then there is the flip side of things…Dating again.
I’m not someone who has girl friends that we go and do things with. I don’t have a lot of adult interactions. Kramer was always that person for me. Later, it was who I was dating. There is just a connection with someone close to your own age that adult children can’t provide. Telling a story about someone putting a dead goat head in the girls’ bathroom when I was in high school doesn’t quite have the same punch when I tell it to my adult kids. Kids did pranks like that back then…they don’t nowadays…and yes, that really did happen. The head was propped up in the garbage can. I was one of the first people who went into the bathroom. ICK.
I love having someone who I can say something like, “when the Challenger blew up…”, and that person remembers and knows the feeling of loss we all had. The same happens when an old song comes on the radio, and I say something like, “I remember trying to record the song from the radio onto my cassette player”. The other person did the same thing and remembers themselves doing it too. I don’t have to go into a long explanation that music wasn’t something you could just stream back then.
There is something comforting about a connection like that. The familiarity is comforting…and it doesn’t make me feel so old that I can remember those things.
I also like having my own relationship…my own person. After Kramer died, too much of my time and attention was focused on the kids. I knew too much of their business. They didn’t get the personal family space they needed. It wasn’t the fault of me or of the kids. They were trying to take care of me. I was trying to cope. It happened without any of us knowing. It was easier for the kids to call me and talk to me rather than talk to their spouse. I was available…their spouse was at work. I honestly think they have better relationships with their spouses when I have my own things going on. We’re much better with that now…But I don’t want to get back into that rut.
I love having someone who will go to the movies…out to eat…all the things that can be fun as a couple. I like having someone go with me to a birthday party. Arnie went with me to Jasper’s birthday party. On the way home, we chatted about things that happened that day. Did you see when Carver did this? Did you like the cake? I love a review of the day from both of our perspectives. It makes the drive home more fun and the day more complete.
I love the giddy feeling of being in love. It’s great to know that someone else thinks you’re special. Yes, I get that from my kids and grandkids…but coming from man is completely different.
I love having someone to care for. I’m a caregiver. I love cooking for someone…I am a caregiver through and through. I miss that when I’m single. Yes I have my kids and grandkids, but again, it’s different with a man.
These have all been the thoughts running through my head.
I keep asking myself: What did I do right? What did I do wrong? How can it be different next time? Should there be a next time? How do I pick better? What’s the best fit for my life? How do I balance my want for a partner with my want for independence? Is there a man who can handle that??
I have to admit that I’m not the most self-confident person in the world. When guys in the past paid attention to me, I was quick to jump in. We all do it to ourselves…who is going to like me? I’m overweight. Things are saggy nowadays. I have all this family that needs my time. I’m not pretty. My hair is busy…and now I have cancer lumps on my scalp. With all that in my head, it’s easy to act a little quickly when attention is sent my way. I made that mistake. I ignored yellow flags because I wasn’t confident enough about myself.
I’m starting to wonder if I only want to date…Arnie and I may have spent too much time together. I should have done some Saturday things without him. Or maybe he just really wasn’t the right person. His baggage has a place in all of it, too. There are so many variables to truly ever know what happened…or didn’t happen.
I do think I want to date again…now I just need to get through these cancer appointments to see if I’m even dateable. Ugh. In the meantime, I’m trying to be hopeful and make plans beyond cancer.
The good news is that there is no hurry to any of it.
So friends…I’m open to input or thoughts.
My husband almost ruined our relationship by being too clingy when we were dating. I had been widowed for two years and enjoyed the freedom of doing what I wanted when I wanted. I finally told him that I needed space and he understood. A year later we married and recently celebrated twenty-one years together.
Relationships are a compromise, but if compromising makes you miserable it’s not worth it. My first husband didn’t approve of one side of my family and as a result I didn’t visit as much as I should have and was secretive when I did. Nothing can top the guilt of a grandparent dying and the realization you didn’t visit as often as you should have. If you find yourself on edge at family functions because of worrying about what your significant other thinks, then maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship.
If I found myself single would I ever be in a relationship again? I doubt it. My immediate family is small, I have a child at home, many hobbies and no debt. I have a few close friends who share similar interests and I enjoy my freedom. I’m an introvert and life has made me extremely independent. Would I recommend the same for you? No, nor would I make the recommendation for anyone else. We’re all different and only you can decide what’s best for you.
I wonder if there is a widower in your town who is around the same age and would like to go for the odd meal out or visit to the cinema without any strings? If you start out just being friends who go out to eat, you never know what might develop. I think relationships need to develop slowly. Good luck.
I think any time you put more than one human in a relationship it gets tricky. Making rules for yourself about dating is not much more useful than making rules about stitching progress. Sew what you want when opportunity arises. Date as you please when you get the chance, and if life offers you adventures with new female friends, you might find those fulfilling in ways that romances with men are not. Being grateful and open to joy makes my life happier. Worrying and focusing on wrongs gobbles up chances glutenously.
Something I’m getting better at as I age…put it all in God’s hands. Pray, let him know what you want and wait on Him to work it out. Trust that if it’s His will, He will send just the right person at just the right time. His ways are so much higher than ours and He knows us better than we know ourselves. I find that if I try and force that door open myself, it never works out.
WOW so beautifully said ! And with so much love caring and wisdom.
Thank you, Jo, for sharing what so many of us feel. I appreciate your honesty so much.
I agree with Violet – I’m just too darn old to worry about stuff anymore. I do the same – pray and go on. At 71, life is just too short!
Love and prayers – especially that last ;-)
Jo, thank you for your honest and relatable thoughts. You express yourself so well and this is a subject that so many of us widowed and single ladies have spent a great deal of time thinking about.
Like yourself, I can fall into a lovey euphoric state pretty quickly with a bit of attention from a man. It’s like an all over brain and body feeling that is delightful to experience.
I’ve learned to just accept it for what it is and enjoy the experience…realizing it probably won’t be a lasting relationship.
No expectations means no disappointments.
I’m happy with my own quiet routine and wouldn’t want to permanently change that.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I totally understand where you’re coming from. My husband died a couple of years ago. And, I too, am having to learn who I am at this point in my life. I had one date since then and was totally overwhelmed. I wasn’t ready for that. But, at least it helped me to see where I am, and who I am, while creating a new life for myself. I think that’s where you are. Unfortunately, your relationship with Arnie failed, but it gave you some more knowledge about yourself. And I think that will help you in the future. I agree with Violet and Donna that we just need to place our lives in the hands of God.
Mary, l agree with everything you and everyone else said, except for two things: Jo’s relationship with Arnie didn’t “fail”. She has learned about herself and she’s more aware now of what she wants/needs.
And Jo, you *are* pretty!Very pretty. Your sweet spirit even exudes through your blog.
Otherwise, y’all are all right.
I read most days but rarely comment. This time I am going to add my 2 cents but you don’t have to pay any attention to it. For 30 years my husband and I were active in pre-marriage counseling for the church. I found there is no way to prepare for a next relationship because the people that make up a relationship are so very different. You have to find a new way every time. Sometimes the fit is good sometimes you choose to start over. Don’t measure using a ruler designer to fit a different relationship.
Oh Jo, you are such a good writer (I’m not, but I do appreciate good writing) with putting all your feelings into words. I would also have the same fears as you, I’m not pretty enough, I’m too soft around the middle, etc. I’ve been that way my whole life. So, I see how it is easy to feel like you did. I don’t have any answers. Just a few things. You are beautiful! And wonderful. And any guy would be fortunate to be able to spend time with you!!
I have a widowed friend, I had asked her once if she would ever date again and she said that God would just have to drop that man into her lap. She was not going to look for one! So that’s one approach ;-)
Have you thought about meeting other people at a senior center? (Some places are 55 and over.) Maybe someone (male or a female friend) who lives closer to you. When you live farther apart, I can see why they would want to spend the entire weekend. I think just dating and send them home at the end of the date would be the only scenario I would entertain. I guess it just depends on what a person wants, a significant other or just a casual date.
We live so rural..there aren’t really senior centers to meet someone. sadly.
Thank you Jo, for sharing. It gives us such an in-depth understanding of you when we get to share in your thoughts and feelings about the people around you. You are on the younger end of the spectrum of widows. In my community there are a couple of groups of widows who go out to eat, to movies, watch games together and then visit about them either in person or over the phone. Perhaps something like this might work for you. It all depends on the people involved whether male or female, how needy they are, whether all they can talk about is their late spouse, how old they are and that sort of thing. But even small towns usually have a few of these types of people who can meet up. Maybe an afternoon at the library to get acquainted? Keep your chin up. You are special. It will all work out in good time. (Notice I didn’t say your time ;> ) Hugs to you!
Oh Jo, you do have a way of thinking about things and then expressing them! At 61, I’m kind of in the same boat right now… 3 months into the post-breakup stage with someone who I really loved. We were good together in a lot of ways, and he made me feel things I hadn’t felt in decades. Giddy, in love, cherished.. and we had so much fun, but it all fell apart last year. It’s still so painful. He’d like to reunite and give it a chance, but we already tried that once… did it work? No.
Like you, I’m struggling with the ways the relationship wasn’t a good fit in my life. And trying to figure out how to choose better — I knew from the start that there were things that were going to be an issue, but I got talked into giving it a go. And it was great… for a while. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so hard to get over it. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but I appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness.
Can I be happy single? It’s not that I’m desperate, or life totally sucks without a man, but do I prefer having someone? Yes. I do. I miss him, I miss what we had. Ugh… why is life so hard sometimes?
Jo, my stepmom was married twice. She married my widower dad five years after her first husband died. She and my dad were married until he died 15 years ago. She is now 86. She has had a few gentleman friends during the past 10 years or so, both at the same time…not dating, but would watch movies with one of them on Friday nights (and maybe eat dinner together in the dining room in the independent living place where they live), and occasionally have dinner with the other one and attend some of his family functions with him. Nothing serious, but she did say she still enjoyed spending time with men! Sadly, they both passed within the past few years. Anyway, dating as dating (getting to know someone with the intent to find out if you are a good match) is fine, and dating to just hang out is fine, and men as friends to hang out with is fine! You had some good times with Arnie, and you learned a lot about yourself and what your needs are, so that doesn’t exactly seem like a failure to me.
Jo,
Just how do you think you made ALL those pretty kids of yours without being pretty? And no offense to the boys because they’re handsome guys, but your girls are beautiful – and they look like you! Even the grands look like you! Such a beautiful family and I see YOU in all of them. But I really don’t want to emphasize any woman’s looks and instead, celebrate their accomplishments…and you shine bright my friend! Whatever you decide to do about dating will be just right for you, and you deserve the best!
I don’t have a lot of insight but I have to say that your family life with the little kids and toys and chaos sounds perfectly normal to me! Who truly has kids put one toy away before using another? That’s not realistic and not fun for anyone! But I’m not a neatnic. And you do have a wonderful family who want to spend time with you so you probably need a guy who truly loves that too.
I understand wanting someone to go do things with. Maybe you do have a friend who would like to do the same. Once we’re adults with full family lives it is hard to have those friendships but maybe there’s one lurking somewhere for you! I wish you luck whichever way it goes. And maybe there will be a break and then it will be there!
When it happens, you will know it. And speaking of knowing songs, etc from the past, do you know the story of Steve Perry (Journey singer) and the woman he married? If not, read about it. It’s a beautiful story and yes, there is someone for everyone, regardless of health issues. You are a brave, funny woman. I love reading your blog……not the nasty cancer stuff, but you make that livable too.
Know that we all have your back, love you and lift you up in prayer every single day. You definitely are special. Thank you for sharing it all with us