I caught a few people off guard on Saturday morning when I wrote a blog post I called, “Embracing being Non-monogamous”. Apparently, several people thought I was talking about something other than cross-stitch. Nope. I was only talking about cross-stitch. (You can read that blog post HERE)
After reading the title of that post, one blog reader said, “I thought Jo was going to start dating”.
Nope. Jo is not going to start dating.
My kids have asked me how I feel about dating. They seem to be okay with me if I’d want to…me, I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to. I am perfectly 100% fine with my single life…of course, I would take my husband back in a heartbeat, but I don’t want another man unless it’s a new grandson in my life.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it…I think at one point and time every person who has lost a spouse has thought about it…but every thought I’ve had has been a negative thought.
Here are some of them…
I have gotten to the point in my widow’s life that I like going to bed when I want and I like getting up when I want. I don’t want to consider anyone else when it comes to that. I like doing whatever I want to do and not having to explain or defend it. I can keep the light in the living room on or off at whatever brightness I want. I like picking out what I want to watch on television and not having to care what someone else wants to watch.
I love being low-maintenance. I don’t have to care if someone else thinks I’m dressed too fancy or too casual. I don’t have to care if a spouse likes my hair longer or shorter. I don’t have to care if I shave my legs or not. (by the way, I always do)
I couldn’t imagine there is any man out there that could tolerate all my kids and grandkids. They are a lot for me and I already unconditionally love them. I could never stand another man in my life criticizing my kids or telling me what I should or shouldn’t do with my kids. I love my kids and grandkids so much that I just can’t see a way that I could ever add an outsider in. I just don’t see a spot for anyone.
Meshing two families at this point would be a challenge. Anyone I would date at this point would have kids and grandkids…I don’t want my kids to play second fiddle and I don’t want to feel guilty for not being a new family’s mom/grandma. My goodness, when all of my kids are home, the house is full. I can’t imagine adding more.
I am so busy. I love my life as is…I don’t need more. If I added another person to my life, I’d have to give up so many of the things I love…Nope.
My health. As you know I have thyroid cancer and my journey with it isn’t over. I won’t drag someone else into that.
Date…I hate leaving home unless it’s to a garage sale, thrifting, auctions, or picking up new foster dogs. I still get grocery pickup. I don’t like going out…why would I date when going out is the expectation. Speaking of thrifting and auctions…a lot of people hate that. I could not give that up.
We’ve gotten to the point between me and kids and grandkids, we don’t have a lot of family drama. I can’t imagine being dragged into a different family’s drama or worse yet, me being the drama. NOPE. Life is too short for that.
I was talking to my son Buck on the phone last night. If you didn’t know, he’s single. He said, “You know mom if Jesus came with a nice brunette woman and He said, ‘This is the girl for you’. I’d think about dating her…but other than that, I don’t know about dating.”
I told him back, “Well if Jesus came and said, “Here’s a wonderful guy and he’s the one for you”, I think I’d still say no.”
The truth is. I’m settling into single life. I loved married life. I loved it a lot and I’d take it back in a heartbeat if it was Kramer…but it can’t be. For me, second best is single life. I think I’m learning to embrace it and appreciate it in its own way. As much as liked cooking for Kramer, I love only fixing foods that I like. As much as love going to auctions with Kramer, I’m glad the garage isn’t full of stuff he’s going to remake. There is a peace in being single that I can do what I want when I want and not have to care about anybody else’s wants, needs, or desires….and I don’t have to deal with their stuff.
I’m so thankful dating isn’t on my radar at all. It makes life so much easier. If I’m going to pursue something… it’s likely going to be a donut or cross-stitch linen I can’t find…not a man.
I can totally understand why some people who lost a spouse do want to date. I can understand why they want to have a someone in their life. Me, I have five kids, 10 grandkids, a handful of in-laws, two dogs, and foster dogs on top of that. For me, that is enough someones for me…but I realize not many people have that…and if I didn’t, I might want a someone and those reasons why I don’t want to date might not have as much weight. I am just happy that there are options for everyone. If you want to date you can…and if you want to stay home and sew and not deal with all of that…you can do that too.
Yep…Don’t worry about me dating. It ain’t gonna happen.
I totally get you. I have been on my own for almost 8 years due to separation and divorce. I’m super content at this point to occasionally go out for supper with someone…but other than that, all the negatives outweigh any positives that I can possibly think of when it comes to a relationship. ♀️
Jo, I have shared some of your comments about widowhood with other widows I know. You are very insightful.
I am not a widow, but if I lost my husband, I cannot imagine sharing my life with a new man. I am way older than you, but enough. I totally love the one I have, but to try another? No.
You do not have to explain yourself at all. My grandma was a widow in her 50s, she said one husband was enough.
Enjoy your children and grandchild and foster dogs without anyone deciding what has to change!
Hang in there
Jo, You do you. You don’t have to answer to us. I admire you and enjoy following you and your family, including the dogs.
Love this post! You summed it up perfectly.
My sister widowed at 57 (16y ago). Her lawyer told her “you are married and you will always be married to him”. After about 3y she told me she would be open to dating if the opportunity arose but she was not looking for a date. A date has not found her and she, like you, is quite content. Just know if someone asks, you are married, it’s an easy no should the occasion arise to need it.
Hugs and happy family, fostering and stitching to you!
Jo, I have been a widow for 12 years and I feel exactly like you. I love my life style of doing what I want to do when I want to do it and like I want to. My husband was a wonderful, kind loving man and I doubt I could ever find another man like him.
I’ll be widowed 3 yrs in a few weeks and I’m with you 100%. I loved my husband dearly but am very content to be on my own now. Sure I miss some help around the house since my kids live far away (VERY far) but I have filled in the gaps with friends and neighbors. Glad I’m not the only one who feels that way. I sort of feel I’m disrespecting my husband and our 50 year marriage but I just don’t have enough years left to train another one!
Yep, mine’s been gone 10 1/2 yrs and I still miss him terribly and know I always will! I never wanted to date anyone because I felt no one would be anywhere near as perfect for me as he was and like so many said I wouldn’t consider trying to meld families.
My godmother always had a saying that a woman needs a man like a duck needs a bicycle I lost my kids and husband in one weekend when I was 19 and believe you fall in love once, but may fall in love with the idea of being in love after that. God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. Have a peaceful weekend.
“There is a peace in being single…”
That sums it up for me, Jo. My husband passed away last summer.
Although I would enjoy a companion for fun things, it is not worth sacrificing my way of life and changing my family relationships.
Thank goodness I’m past the age where my hormones are doing my thinking!
I understand all that you said. I’ve been a widow for over 9 years. I was widowed in my mid fifties. I was told early on that the longer you have control of the tv remote the less you’re inclined to remarry. :-) For me, the “novelty” of being single has worn off. I’m tired of doing it all myself. My daughter and her family with my grandchildren live over 1600 miles away. I miss socializing with my husband in the evening, going out to dinner this weekend and then having a nice dinner at home on Valentine’s day. I missed the unexpected flowers just because. I miss not having someone else to think about and someone else think about me. Didn’t have the happiest of marriages, but those are still the things that were positive in it. And yes, if God sends me someone who is a devoted Christian, kind, empathetic, and wanting to date me I’d give it a chance in spite of how anxious that thought makes me.
Oh Lisa!! Good for you. I think it’s so important to know what we want. I hope you find the perfect someone for you.
I am not a widow, but I don’t think I would remarry if I should become one. When I was younger, and raising kids, my husband’s job had him gone out of state a lot. So I learned to not only take care of myself and the kids, but also how to cook on the grill, take care of house and auto repairs and pretty much came to the conclusion that should my husband pass away I would be just fine. Now that we’re in our 50s, with all the kids grown and my husband is definitely entering the grumpy old man phase, I’m even more sure I wouldn’t want to take on another man!
I hear you on the grumpy old man phase. I’m married and my husband is 73. I wouldn’t date or get married again, either.
My husband died 5 years ago. I agree that I don’t want to marry or date again. I like activities with groups of friends or family, but dating is not appealing. I loved my husband very much. Just like you, I would take him back in an instant, but I am learning to be comfortable on my own. I think of my grandmother who was a widow for many years and think of her as an example of being on your name. Hang in there Jo.
Lol. I knew you we’re only talking cross stitch. You are content and that is a wonderful place to be.
I totally agree with you! My sister has been a widow over 25 years and says the same things as you stated. I was divorced and had a very good single life and I did marry again, but if I had to do over again, I wouldn’t have.
Amen to that! Gentlemen of my/our generation expect cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. Been there done that. Many want a nurse with a purse. Phooey. I’m a homebody, too, and do not apologize for it.
You definitely have a flair for writing and expressing things wonderfully entertaining, Jo. I don’t know what I would do nor do I care to think about it so I don’t. It is interesting and at times entertaining (yours) to read others experiences and personal preferences. The good thing is there is something for everyone and there is no wrong answer or way to do widowhood.
I didn’t think a thing about the title last week but then again my mind doesn’t run down those types of roads.
Ha! People actually thought you meant relationships? This was such a great post. I’m not a widow, but I agree completely. So well stated!
Best thing that happened to me is when I thru my husband out when I found out he was having an affair. That was 8 years ago. I have been retired for 7 and love every minute of it. I’m along a lot but that doesn’t bother me or would I ever date or remarry. Only thing I can think you need a man for is heavy lifting!
Dear Jo- I was the fortunate winner of several quilt tops at your recent auction. I have still not rec’d the package of them. Can you tell me when they were mailed? I hope you rec’d my check, and all is just a little slow!
Please let me know asap. Brenda King Juniperbrenda@gmail.com
Thanks so much!
I love your blog, your family, and your philosophy. I would not remarry. My Mom did, and it ruined our family, causing much pain and heartache. I’ve been married 54 yrs. and love my husband all that’s possible. I could never replace him!
Jo- I still haven’t rec’d the quilt tops I won at your recent auction. Can you tell me when they were mailed? Thanks so much! Brenda King
Hi Brenda. They should be there soon. I didn’t bet a check until mid-week last week so they didn’t go until Thursday or Friday. I took packages to the post office both days and don’t remember which day yours went. I think Friday.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I know you’d have tons of support if you chose to date again, but it’s so understandable that you choose not to. My husband and I have only had 20 years together, but he’s ruined me for any other man. No other man would ever measure up after having this marvelous man in my life, and it wouldn’t be fair. I’m glad you brought up the kids and grand-kids factors. That’s not something most folks consider, but it can be extremely difficult.
I’m not sure who would ever deserve you either!