I’ve talked to you all a lot about grief and how it has felt for me to lose my husband to lung cancer. As of the publication of this blog post it has been one year, six months and two days since he passed away.
I’d love to say I’m perfect. I’m over the grief. It doesn’t bother me at all, but that would be a lie. I know grief doesn’t work that way as I’ve lost my parents and I don’t feel that a person every gets “over it”. I do think I’m making little baby steps forward.
My bathroom is proof. My bathroom you ask?? YES, my bathroom.
Since Kramer’s death I’ve been working a bit on decorating my bathroom. Kramer had fixed the ladder for me. Kalissa had bought it at a sale but it was broken. She was going to fix it but later decided she didn’t want it. I bought it from her and Kramer fixed it. I liked the ladder but I wanted some baskets on it. I ended up buying THESE from Amazon.
I hooked them to the ladder and ended up really liking it.
When Kramer was still living I had bought the flower pictures and he hung them. The floral “K”, I bought and hung. The toilet paper holder I got from Hobby Lobby sometime ago.
I found the clock at Target and that is what solidified the colors I was going to put in the bathroom. I love that aqua color with brown. It’s hard when you have an older house and you want to give it a spark of color to find something that still works with older look. I think aqua and brown are great.
The wardrobe Kramer bought and we had put in the bathroom when we first moved here.
I bought the vintage garbage can from Kalissa.
Spencer, our daughter Kayla’s husband put window film over the glass of the window to help with bathroom privacy. I bought the film HERE on Amazon.
The biggest change wasn’t the things I bought…it was…my claw foot tub.
I painted it that same aqua color on the outside.
The tub was in the old bathroom when we moved here. The part part of the house where the bathroom was got ripped off as part of the remodeling. We decided to save the bathtub and use it though.
We were on a budget and decided the tub would do. The tub was no beauty …and it still isn’t. The outside where you now see the aqua paint was black but someone had done a terrible job and put a see through coat of white paint over it. Sorry I forgot to take a picture. Trust me, it was icky.
We didn’t have time to do anything about when we first moved in. As we lived here another year and another year, I told Kramer I wanted to paint it. He was for that but insisted it not be anything but black. I didn’t like that idea. I wanted some color…so I didn’t paint it. I left it looking crappy. I was waiting for him to soften. He usually did.
A while ago, I was thinking about the bathroom and I really wasn’t happy with it. I knew that outer part of the tub needed to be painted. As is, it looked bad. I knew it but I couldn’t quite bring myself to paint the color I wanted it to be. Kramer always thought black….I didn’t and was stuck on the fact that he didn’t like color.
It is so dumb. It’s only a color of paint but somehow in my brain I was stuck. Painting it black made me feel stuck with him. Painting it aqua, my color of choice, made me feel like I was letting him go. Some of you are reading this and are likely thinking I’m losing it. Seriously, it’s only paint color. Somehow, it was all more than that. The color of my tub became part of my grief process.
So thinking it all through, I decided I was going to the paint store. When I left I really wasn’t sure what color I was going to buy…the black, the aqua or something completely different. On the way in the car my brain was bouncing all around…my feelings were everywhere. Yes, all over a can of paint. Grief can honestly do that.
I know in some relationships women decide most everything when it comes to the house, but that wasn’t our relationship. We made joint decisions all the time. We always came to a compromise, we never just did what we wanted without a counciltation. So I knew Kramer REALLY didn’t want color…so it felt a little wrong to get aqua…but I REALLY didn’t want black.
As my mind was bouncing all around, I knew Kramer would want me to be happy. I knew deep down he really wouldn’t have cared if I pushed it and really insisted on the aqua for the tub but more than all of that, I knew I had to take that step forward. I have to make decisions for myself. It’s just me now and even though part of it will always be “our” house. It’s my house. Things like paint color, they are for me to decide…and I need to do it. I need to make myself take steps forward so I don’t get stuck.
I used to watch the television show Hoarders from time to time. It seemed like so many of the people that ended up hoarders got stuck after the loss of someone close to them. I can understand that. I’m sure many had the same type of thoughts I had over the bathtub paint color. They feel like they are letting their loved one go by making changes. In the end they aren’t strong enough to take that step forward. I won’t do that. I won’t let myself get stuck. It might take me day or two but I will move in a forward direction.
So, aqua paint it was!! Admittedly, I didn’t paint it right away. The can sat there for a couple weeks and then one day I finally just painted it…and I love it. It is just what I wanted…just as I envisioned it.
In the end, that paint was equivilent to the price of therapy. A lot of good came from that paint. The bathroom looks much better…and me, I’m a little better too.