Many of you know that Bonnie Hunter often puts together fun little memes that many of us can relate to. Sometimes they are funny…sometimes they are silly…and sometimes they are thought-provoking.
One I recently saw was thought-provoking. This is one I have been working VERY hard on over the last year.
“Stop demanding that every day justify itself. Give yourself permission to exist without producing, achieving, or having to prove yourself.”
It’s a good one. Here’s how I related to it…
When I was in first grade, my teacher was Mrs. Westing. She was nice, friendly, and from what I can remember, a good teacher. I did well in school, but was totally shocked when my report card came. I had one U, meaning unsatisfactory, on it. UGH…I had every dream in life of being the teacher’s pet. I obviously wasn’t if she thought I wasn’t working to my potential. Hmm.
I know I was only in 1st grade, but that had a big impact on me. I wanted to do better and tried very hard to do so.
Once I was in high school, I was really busy. I would take eight classes and no study halls. I had a job from the time I was 13. I worked in a restaurant, babysat, and later became an evening shift manager at McDonald’s when I was only 16. I was the manager…the person in charge of the whole store. I managed the crew. I counted the registers, made the deposits, and had the combination of the safe all at age 16. I even took thousand-dollar deposits to the bank at 11:30 pm.
When I went to college, I wanted to graduate in 3 years. I took 18-20 credits per semester. I went to summer school…
Then I got pregnant and married…even then, I was pushing. Always pushing. I was “just” a stay at home mom…so I had to find something to produce to prove my value. That led me to all of the side hustle jobs I’ve done…writing for the newspaper, making crafts to sell, childcare, my early learning printables site, my blog, and most recently Youtube.
I told myself I liked being busy. I told myself I needed to do all the things. I wanted to be respected. I thought doing a lot equaled respect, equaled value.
Fast forward to last year. My physical health started being an issue. The pain in my right leg was so much. I started to have to slow down. I had to sit more. I started to rethink things. Was my value based on what I could produce? I had let myself fall deep down into a hole, believing my value was placed on what I could produce. How many quilts could I make? How much cross stitch could I do? How many flowers could I grow? How many blog posts I could write? How many from-scratch meals could I make? Now I was producing so much less. I hated it.
My struggle became mental and physical. My cancer was taking my ability to produce and my mind was mad that I couldn’t produce.
I’ve become better at seeing that my value is not based on what I produce. I’m not so hard on myself. I quit being frustrated about not having so much done and focused more of my energy on relationships.
People think I’m kind of weird for thinking that good has come in my life because of my cancer, but it’s SO TRUE. Cancer had forced me to slow down. Now I have more and better relationships than I ever had in my entire life. I value those relationships. I’ve come to see that relationships are really what life is about…not how much I can do in a day. I will happily give up finishing a quilt for a day with family. I text and stay in touch with people more than I ever have!
Some of you will say, “But Jo, you still accomplish a lot”. I do…but there is not that constant drive that makes me do it. Luckily, some of those old skills I learned to work efficiently are still there.
All I can do is thank Bonnie for the meme and reminder that I’ve come a long way in not pushing to produce, and valuing myself for just being. Putting too much value on what I produce is something I always know I will struggle with. It’s easy for me to let it sneak back in.
Is focusing on producing something you struggle with too??
I love Bonnie Hunter’s messages at the end of her Blog. I agree with you in that they give you a lot to think about. They also have beautiful vintage quilts as a background. I often take a screen shot and keep them in a folder on my laptop. The one you highlighted really spoke to me as well. I am in my 12 year of retirement and I think I finally have reached the point where I don’t have to justify a non-productive day. It’s OK. Thank you for your Blog Jo. I always look forward to reading it.
Good for you!
I always contemplate Bonnie Hunter’s messages. Really thoughtful messages we can all use.
At age 80 if I don’t feel like sewing, or laundry, or anything — I don’t do anything! Today I decided I didn’t want to sew the rows of blocks together on my current project. So I am sewing strips together for the piano key border. Mindless sewing but still productive.
Great to give yourself permission!
Since retiring after a 47 year full time career, it took quite a bit of time to realize that it’s OK to do nothing some days. I felt guilty for not ‘producing’, but now I’ve come to the realization that it’s good for the soul to have an occasional day of nothingness. It doesn’t make us any less valuable.
Only once in a while! I give myself lots of do nothing days and I love it! I’ll do small things around the house or sit and stitch for awhile but no real goal in mind. Hugs,
When I saw that meme on Bonnie’s blog I immediately copied it and sent it to my sister because I so often say to her “I didn’t accomplish much today.” She always says that I don’t need to every day. It is just in our blood and our upbringing to be productive.
That one caught my eye too and made me think harder about what and why I am doing. Your thoughts were spot on. Thank you.
Another thought-provoking and inspiring post. I’ve had a number of health issues in the last few years that have greatly affected my ability to get things done like I have in the past. Many of them are much the same as you’ve experienced. Thanks for giving me a new way to look at things when I just can’t get things done then way I used to. It can be so frustrating.
What good advice, Jo! I love doing lots of things in one day and when I recently had a health situation I bemoaned the fact that I just couldn’t work as much anymore. Now I’m feeling great and it really is a battle within to just sit down and take a break!!! It’s a lesson I’m still working on!
This is so me! I make a list in my head every night going over every single thing I accomplished that day. If I have a day where I don’t get much done I feel like a loser. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help it. I am going to try to not focus so much on “producing”. Great post thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
Yes give yourself grace for what you do or what you don’t do. We all need to. As an aside Bonnie also gave up blogging on Sundays awhile ago so she would have a day, perhaps if you are feeling fatigued with your new medicine this could be a choice for you. I look forward to your blog everyday, but I would understand if you needed time too.
Jo, I too felt the need to produce, produce, produce. I think when you’re a mom, that’s a headset you automatically step into. But God somehow shows us when we need to be enough for ourselves. I’m happy you are valuing you as much as we always have.
Jo, Breathe. Be kind to yourself and the rest can wait till later. I learned early on that some days are meant to just be. I don’t need to accomplish or do something every day to justify by day. Some days are meant to be in pj’s all day and just enjoy breathing. You’re doing great Jo, take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. I must admit as a young mother, stay at home mom, I struggled with all the things that were mine to do, now I just take the day as it unfolds. I took a breather and enjoyed time with my children, let the dust gather…..the time goes so quickly.
This one really hit me also. I was a Lt Col in the USAF, about to meet the board for promotion to Colonel, when I was retired because of a couple of injuries I had had. Medical retirement happens really quickly – generally within 30 days. The first year was especially tough – I hadn’t planned to be retired, so I had no identity, no mission. Oddly enough, the thing that saved my sanity was quilting. The creativity, the challenge, and even the frustration were all a huge help. I still have tough days, but having a great hobby, (and a really understanding husband who puts up with me and my mess) has been enormously helpful.
well said Jo, my kids are always telling me that they need me just because, not as the chief “supplier” in their lives, and when i think about my mother, i wanted to do for her, not her for me! as well, i struggle to keep my quilting and other crafts as joy, not task masters, i’m not always successful, but i am working on it.[and trying to give myself some slack when i don’t make the grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!].
i am curious about how this fits into your family of origin… When I am wanting to be serious about a similar affliction I can see a few generations of women on both sides of my family tree with the same challenges.
I am my mother’s daughter. She did lots too!
Yes, when I first started my quilting journey, I thought I had to make all the quilts. I learned early on that I cannot make quilts that others ask for. I need to make what I want to make when I want to make it. When my dad passed, I made (finished) 13 quilts that year. My grief needed to create. When my mom passed a year ago in January, I did nothing. I think I finished a couple of small projects, but no quilts. I have started quilting again this year. I am making what I want to make for others or myself. I am finishing all of my WIPs (works in progress). I actually had to make some new WIPs because I had finished them all. I am so proud of you for recognizing that YOU are more valued than the things you make.
I so feel that way, too .. I feel guilty when I don’t “produce “ I tell myself the same things ! Thank you for the reminder .i find alot of people in my quilt guild feel the same way ..I judt saw an eighty -five year old friend at a quilt show and she said the same thing ! We realized it’s ok ! Thanks again!
Hi Jo, I think this is a powerful message that you’ve been trying to live by. I have had very similar struggles and they intensified when I got very sick a few years ago and had to take a medical leave of absence at work. I was out of work for almost a year. One thing that I eventually found helpful was the book Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey. I found it was the kind of book to read a few days and journal about rather than just powering through, but any way one reads it, it is a powerful book about human value just in being ourselves, not needing to produce.
What a great post and discussion. It was good and affirming to read everyone’s thoughts. We need to give ourselves the grace and permission to rest and be still on days when that seems to be what we need. Hope everyone has a beautiful day today, filled with exactly what they would like best to be doing.