There are so many things in life I have experienced that I can apply the statement “I didn’t know until I knew” to. I’m guessing some of you feel the same. Let me explain:
I remember being in high school. I was voted to be a speaker at commencement. I was a little nervous while I was writing my speech. I was nervous thinking about all of the people who would be looking at me. The gymnasium would be packed. I wrote a speech that mentioned every one of my classmates. I was so sure that I would screw it up…pee my pants…forget what I was saying…not look out at the crowd. All of it. I was sure I wasn’t going to do well. But, I got up and did it. I didn’t know until I knew that I was an okay public speaker. I’ve gone on and been the sub minister at church services…I’ve taught continuing education classes. I really didn’t know until I knew that I would be okay with public speaking.
I remember about ten years after my mom died, my dad started seeing someone. It was pretty casual. The gal was a person he went to school with at some time. I purposely never met her. I wasn’t too thrilled with my dad. Now here I am, years later, in my own life, knowing I did my Dad a great disservice. I wasn’t my Dad. I didn’t realize he was lonely. I had put my mom on a pedestal and wanted her to be revered. Somehow, in my young, unknowing mind, I thought my Dad should stay true to my mom.
WOW…Here I am. I dated after my spouse died. I understood the loneliness. I understood the desire to have something of my own. I understood the desire to feel needed and a part of someone’s life.
I didn’t know I could still love my husband AND love someone else. I didn’t know until I knew.
For years after Kramer died, I was so resentful that he spent so much time at the farm. I couldn’t figure out what the big draw to the farm was over me. Why did he pick working 80 hours a week or more at the farm over spending time in our home with me? I was resentful for a LONG time. Sometimes I even questioned how much he actually loved me.
The other day I was in the sewing room. I was looking around, feeling thankful for my sewing room. It was Kramer who insisted I have a sewing room in this house. He insisted that it be big. It’s 16 x 20 with a huge walk-in closet. It’s wonderful. He built the lights over my long arm. He made sure I had the biggest heavy-duty-est power strip known to man for the long arm. He bought me a tape measure to measure quilts. He refinished my big cabinet that is in my sewing room. Anything I wanted or needed, he made sure I had.
It was then that I realized again: I didn’t know until I knew. Kramer loved the farm…but he also loved me. When he was here…I was his focus. He always wanted the best for me. He cared about me. I’m not resentful anymore. I didn’t know until I knew.
This summer, Arnie wanted to go tubbing. Oh, I was so nervous about going. I’m not much of a swimmer. I’d never been tubing. I thought I was “too old”. I ended up going and had a great time. It was another, I didn’t know until I knew. Tubing is actually fun. I had a great time and would happily go again.
I had heard of nerve pain…I had no idea what it was. I heard people say it was worse than childbirth…I thought yeah, you’re a man saying that, so how could you know? Childbirth is pretty intense. I admit, I was stupid, but I thought that people with nerve pain fell into the drug-seeking category. How could a nerve hurt? Then last summer, I had nerve pain. Oh baby. I quickly found out that people with nerve pain are under some of the worst pain ever! Nerve pain is no joke. If you have nerve pain, you NEED some type of drug. Nerve pain is real, and it’s terrible. I didn’t know until I knew.
Some of the things I didn’t know until I knew are fun discoveries…
I can speak publicly
I like going tubing
Some of them were hurtful to me…
I damaged my memories of Kramer
I held resentment
Some of them were hurtful to others
I should have encouraged my Dad to date
Some were just wrong
I shouldn’t have judged other people’s pain
I am working really hard at not judging…if someone says they are in pain, I’m going to believe it. If they say it’s the worst they ever had, I’m going to believe it and not question whether it was as bad as my worst pain. If someone wants to date…go for it. If someone thinks divorce is the right thing for them, I’m going to be supportive. If someone does whatever they do, I’m going to let them and keep myself out of it…I don’t know their life. I don’t know what is right for them.
Somethings I had to learn the hard way…like the emptiness that comes after a spouses death. Trust me…I will never think anything one way or another regarding how someone acts after a spouse dies. I had to learn that the hard way…the very hard way.
All of this was something I didn’t know until I knew.
As I was writing this, I had something pop up on my Facebook feed that was in tune with the thoughts I was thinking.
If you can’t read it, it says:
“I am in love with this sentence:
Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach.”
Because the truth is, we can only understand certain things after we grow,
after we go through life, and after time quietly teaches us what we once didn’t know.”
I am working on forgiving myself….and working on not being judgmental in the first place. I’m so glad I lived long enough to understand this…there is still time for me to improve and get better.
Do you have things in your life that you didn’t know until you knew?
Jo,
You said it all very well. Sometimes each of us just doesn’t know. When we do I hope we all choose to do better.
You’re SO right!
My never until I knew was when I experienced vertigo. It can be debilitating.
OMG vertigo is one of the worst things I have had. Lying on the bathroom floor and vomiting is all I can think of. For me it is like lying down and being on a Merry go round going ninety miles an hour and everything is spinning. The first experience sent me to the ER with the doctor thinking I was having a stroke.
Thankfully I’ve not experienced that. My nurse daughters say patients coming in that are always so miserable.
This was a really good post. Lots of things we can all do better. Myself first in line. We truly do not know until we know. So many things. Thank you for being open and honest about so many things. Thank you for being a good mom and raising some pretty awesome children. Thank you for being courageous and for sharing your journey. I am praying for you.
In regards to becoming a widow in her early 40s, raising 3 kids on her own, and life in general, I always encouraged my mom with, “you did the best you could do with the knowledge you had at the time.” It has been my motto as well.
I always say “I can’t imagine what you’re going through….and I hope I never learn!”
Great saying and way to think.
Jo, that was so beautifully said.Thank you for sharing. Food for thought today.
Thanks for another insightful post. Lots to think about here!
Wise words to everyone. I’m always learning new things and hope to continue learning as long as I’m on this earth. Thanks Jo!!
Jo, this is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. So insightful.
Please consider submitting it to a wider publication. Reader’s Digest came immediately to mind.
Thank you. I needed this.
Great post. Very inspiring. Now, that I am older I think it’s true. We learn as we grow. Hopefully, we get wiser. Life is a journey.
I know that is an odd wish, but I sometimes wish that I could or others could feel the physical pain of others.
The reason – one time after a surgery, the doctor came up the next day and said to me that I must have been in real pain. Well, that was the reason I went to him in the first place. Other times, it doesn’t seem like the medical people believe me.
I guess that alone should make me realize that I shouldn’t doubt it when someone tells me about their physical pain, because it doesn’t mean they pain any less than what I would in that situation.
YES Cindy…so true.
You gave me lots to think about and now I need to examine my thoughts about other people’s actions. What is that saying about walking a mile in the other person’s shoes.
I didn’t know until I knew that it sometimes feels lonelier being with a spouse and family instead of just being alone. It’s really hard when no one seems to understand or care. I wish that I could have the peace of being alone.
So true Sherry. Alone time is come of my best time.
You , Jo, are a very talented writer!!
So many read your blog not just for x- stitching and quilt ideas, but because you ARE such a good writer, you pull us in and make us think about things, often in a different way. Thank you.
Jo… what you wrote tonight is SO PROFOUND. I cried, i did some real introspection, i want to make sure that my heart is ALWAYS OPEN to LEARN AND KNOW WHAT I DIDNT KNOW. Its not about kicking ourselves or feeling guilty. Sometimes we JUST DIDNT KNOW.
Thank you for being EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE 24/7. Thank you for never being afraid to say even the really hard stuff. Thank you for always loving us enough to share the truths you discover in life that could help us too.
YOU ARE A BLESSING!!!
April in Iowa
This is all so true, Jo. Your thoughts remind me of a Muhammad Ali quote: A man that views the world when he is 50 the same as he did when he was 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
We all continue to learn and grow which helps us understand choices others make. Love your positive outlook Jo.
There is a YouTuber that has people who have negative self-talk look at a picture of themselves when they were little. She asks them to say the nasty comments to that child. They find they can’t and become aware that they shouldn’t talk that way to themselves either because deep down, we are all children.
when you know better, do better.
I remember months after Kramer died that you made a comment about never wanting to be with another man. I was a widow at 51 and I thought to myself, Jo, you have no clue how lonely it gets. I hope you can find someone to share your life with. So now you know. This was a beautiful blog, Jo, thank you.
You are so right, Jo! I always thought anxiety was just being nervous. Like, get over it already. Then, at 35, I had a miscarriage, and my hormones got all out of whack, and I went through a year of depression and anxiety. I knew I wasn’t being rational, but I could not control the anxiety I experienced. Now I know it is real, and I have so much compassion for anyone going through that. We should never judge others!
YES. Anxiety is another thing it is hard for those who don’t deal with it to understand. I’m so sorry you had to go through your hard times.
There’s so much wisdom here. Thank you for a lovely and thoughtful post. You can never fully understand what someone else is going through.
First off – Jo, I am so grateful I discovered your blog and so appreciate your openness (is that a word) and honestly. This was a great post. I try really hard not to be judgmental, but sometimes it is difficult. Thank you so much for your wisdom, I strive to do better! God Bless you on your cancer journey. Your positivity is truly inspirational. I love love reading the family posts, you’re all amazing! My love and best wishes to all!
So much of that hit my life. I have chronic pain and fibromyalgia (nerve pain). Some days it’s better than others.
Tasks that people find easy are a major accomplishment for me – like taking out the trash. People don’t get it.
I have to use a walker to walk. I’ve lost friends because I can’t keep up or do the things they do. I’ve been told I don’t give enough to friendships and been written off.
There are days I just don’t have it to give. People quit asking.
I try very hard to do the things I can when I can. Smile through it.
Thanks for your post, Jo.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is very hard to hear…and I’m sure even harder for you to experience. Thinking of you. BIG HUGS!!