Day by Day

I hate filling my pill organizers…So I have three of them.  I bought three of them and fill them all at once.  Rather than fill them weekly, I fill them all every three weeks.  That way I don’t have to fill them as often. This is crazy I know….but it’s a me thing.

I remember filling them a while ago- it was the night after we burned the couch (read about that here if you haven’t).  I actually remember the exact moment…the exact thought I had.  It was while Kramer was still living…in fact just two days before he passed.  I remember thinking, “will this be the last time I fill these before Kramer passes away?” Would he make it the three to four weeks that the doctor suggested.  It was about then that I seriously thought about only filling one.  It somehow seemed like I could delay the inevitable by doing that.

I knew better though.  I knew that if I didn’t fill all of them, things would get hectic and I’d somehow not take my pills like I should.  I had just had a conversation with Kramer promising him I’d take care of myself.  So…reluctantly, I filled all three of my pill organizers.

He didn’t end up living through one week of my pill organizers..just a few days into the very first one.

Just a couple days ago… I had to fill the the pill organizers all again.  It’s been three weeks since I filled them and had the hope that Kramer might have been with me that long.  We all regularly hear of people beating the prognosis.  We knew Kramer likely wouldn’t be one who did…but we sure hoped he might have been one.  Maybe he could live six months!  On the same hand, we didn’t want to see him suffering.  It’s a terribly awkward position to be in….clinging to the hope of more time but knowing it’s likely not for the best for the person immediately sick…do I be selfish and wish for more time or be brave and let them go.  AW…it’s an awful position to be in.

At the end…Kramer did it his way.  He “ripped the bandaid off”.  It was more of a hard fast pain and not the slowly lingering pain of pulling a bandaid slowly.

I get a reminder every night as I take my pills that I made it one more day without him…and a reminder of my promise to take care of myself.

25 thoughts on “Day by Day”

  1. I always hope to follow your example if faced with something so difficult. Honoring him in a concrete loving way by continuing what you know he would want you to do.

  2. Donna Pheneger

    That’s what it’s about – day by day, isn’t it? Some days are good, others not so much. But through it all, you have family and friends, people praying for you, sweet reminders of Kramer as well as ones that are hard. But it’s a continual process – every day is new.
    You are loved and prayed for.

  3. I must say you are not alone Jo, we are caretakers for my sister with Alzheimers and its my job to do the meds. I go to the Dollar Tree and buy half a dozen of the pill containers. I sit down and do them for several weeks, because I hate to do them.
    I am sure you can’t help but mark the time. You are strong and are an amazing person. Kramer would want you to take care of you and I think you are doing that.

  4. Mary Ann Mettler

    That is a good idea – to get more pill organizers. I shall get some more! I know I would struggle to remember if I took meds if I didn’t have the organizer but having a few would really help. Those weeks go by quickly. In thinking of Kramer I would have to say it was a blessing that he had his thought processes still working. He said some very thoughtful things. The very sad part is that he had the cancer at all. One day at a time Jo. Sending love and prayers.

  5. not all that’s is lost is lost, for some things find a place in your heart. All you have to do is remember…

    I admire you for your strength, your flow, for being who you are.
    I thank you for letting us in on your journey and with doing so show people the true face of love and life.

    hugs from the Netherlands

  6. Carol Lorraine Stearns

    Your family has really gone through a lot this year. Would you go back and do any of it differently? I always wonder. Hugs!

  7. It’s so great that you can express your feelings so beautifully and share with many others who either have or will experience the same things. While much of what you’ve been writing about lately is very, very sad, it’s part of life that we all have to deal with at some point. Thank you again for sharing how difficult mundane things turn out to be, but how your outlook and attitude offer hope for the future.

  8. Your strength is wonderful to see! As you know Kramer would encourage you to take care of yourself and that’s what you are doing, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Some things will be hard but gradually I pray you will find more things bringing you joy.

  9. It may not feel like it, but you are helping others without even knowing it. Grief is individual, not a one size fits all. You are showing others one way to walk through it. So grateful you are brave enough to share with us. Sending hugs and love and continued prayers.

  10. Very poignant post. Knowing a family member is terminal brings up so many emotions. We want them with us for as long as possible but at the same time the idea of them suffering a long time is hard to think about. I’m glad Roger went out the way he would have wanted. You’re living the way he would have wanted too. Thank you for sharing. The grace you’ve shown has given me much to think about in my own personal battles.

  11. SusanfromKentucky

    I just got rid of my husband’s pill reminder box and his bottles of pills. It was hard, even after 2 years. That’s how I live, day by day. You are much stronger than I am.

  12. What a novel idea for all of us that take pills, fill several weeks at a time. I have a big one for several pills different times of the day- could turn into two weeks if I didn’t take extra pills.
    I admire you and the Kramer bunch, knowing each will take on the loss in their own way. When that time comes for our family of losing a husband, dad, Bo-Bo and grampa we can still gather and tell the stories and laugh as he would want us to do. You inspire me to live each day with his dementia, holding my breath until he doesn’t remember me/us. Thank you Kramer family – especially you Jo

  13. Oh, dear lady, when times are bad, sometimes all we can do is “do the next right thing. ” Elizabeth Elliot quote. You’re doing a great job at all the next right things there are. Now go get a hug from a child!

  14. You really were at a crossroads that day. It sounds like you knew that you were strong and knew that you would face anything, as it was presented. I’m glad that you are going forward with the strength to keep your promise and take good care of yourself. I’m truly sorry that you’ve had such a loss.

  15. Susan K fr WA

    Sweet lady, I have gotten much joy from your blog- I even tell my hubby abt them. you are blessed with the ability to write, keep writing in the blog, in a journal, on napkins, scraps of fabric.. etc. Now, my 2 cents worth: recover on your own time- don’t feel you are not doing it right- everyone morns differently. Play with or watch your grandchildren play, walk around your garden…talk to Kramer- he will always be by your side… cry when it comes- don’t be afraid to let children see you cry- it won’t damage children to see your sadness ..they have a great capacity to understand sadness.. things will get better on their own timetable.. oh, one other thing- keep a sweater to wrap yourself in when needed.. prayers to you and your family..

  16. You are doing just what you need to do…taking life a day at a time, allowing yourself to grieve, and yet moving on. A wise pastor once told me that grieving is like an onion–you grieve one layer at a time and allow yourself to do it in whatever way is best for you. There is no deadline to when grieving is over; we all work through it at our own pace. Kramer would be proud of you, Jo. And you are a living lesson for all of us. Bless you.

  17. You’re so right on. My Dad ws lingering and it was so heart breaking. Sounds cruel in a way but we all shared the relief for him that he finally crossed over the rainbow bridge. It didn’t make losing him any easier though. At times my one”day at a time” was “15 min” and then I can make it another 15 min.
    We all have our own type of spiritual guidance but I believe God has me ( and everyone) in His hands.
    Keeps me centered knowing I’m never without His guidance within me.
    I know you have a great support community and hopefully all your blog friends help at those moments of intense loss – they do happen for all of us.

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