Every so often, questions and comments come from readers, and I think others would like to hear my response. That’s when I feature them on the
blog. This is one of those days.
I got a question the other day from a blog reader. They knew I deal with cancer and had a husband and niece who died from cancer. They recently had a friend with a cancer diagnosis and wanted to know if I had any suggestions on what they could do for their friend.
I thought about it and put this together…
1-Don’t talk behind the ill person’s back. One of the hardest things for me is and always will be people talking about me and my illness. My daughter Kalissa and I were in a store. I knew the owner. I had checked out and then taken the boys to the car. Kalissa was left at the checkout. The owner then asked Kalissa all about me. How was my cancer? What was going on with me? UGH. I was just at the register. Talk to me and ask me. After all, it’s MY story. I’m the person living it.
One of the reasons I am so open about my cancer on the blog is to try to prevent this. I tell the story. I am the narrator. Gossip spreads less easily when I am telling the story myself. If your loved one doesn’t have a blog, do Facebook updates or Caring Bridge updates.
2-If you ask an ill person if there is something you could do to help them, they will likely say no. We don’t want to seem needy. We don’t want to appear helpless. We want to look much better than we actually are. Accepting help makes us look weak…so we say, “No, I don’t need anything.” To combat that, do it. Don’t ask.
One of the nicest things that ever happened to me was when Kalissa hired someone to come and clean my house when I was at an appointment. I came home to a clean house. It was wonderful.
When my niece was battling cancer, I bought a Chick-Fil-A gift certificate for her. She had told me several times that she treated herself after going to appointments. Chick-Fil-A was her treat of choice. I sent her a card with a note that said, “Wish I could be there with you,” along with the gift card.
People have done that for me…I’ve gotten a Jimmy John gift card, Scooters, and McDonald’s gift cards. All of them are places we can go to along the way to my doctor appointments. It’s always so nice, and I really feel like the person is sending me good wishes for my day at the doctor.
3-If you are giving gift cards, make sure they are for ones in the person’s area. One time a blog reader sent me a gift card to a gas station chain out of Florida. I was never able to use it. I finally gave it to a friend whose daughter lives in Florida.
4-Gift cards for a local pizza place are awesome…especially for someone like me with lots of family. I often give gift cards to friends who have big families. A lot of people come to visit an ill person. The ill person feels like they should be feeding the visitors, especially if it is around mealtime. Having a gift certificate to order pizza is great.
5-It sounds silly, but a gift of toilet paper, paper plates, napkins, and the like is wonderful. When Kramer passed away, a family brought a box full of those types of items. Initially, I thought it was odd…in the end, it was WONDERFUL. We had so much family here and were feeding people; the paper plates came in so handy. I’ll always be thankful for that gift. Thanks, Lynnie. Another family brought pop and drinks. That was also wonderful. Again, lots of people around. I often bring pop, beer, or drinks to a family after a loved one passed away, especially a big family that still has kids.
6-Take your friend shopping for a comfy doctor visit outfit. I have lots of scans done. For most, I can wear elastic waist pants with no rivets and don’t need to change my clothes if I have an outfit with no metal on it. It’s fun to get out and shop, but also fun to have a new outfit. You don’t need to buy the outfit. You can just be a supportive shopper.
7-Don’t forget the essentials. Grocery gift cards are wonderful. Money is always tight with illness. The family is spending more money to meet insurance deductibles, gas for travel, and other medical needs. Extra money for groceries is handy and helps take off pressure. The ill person doesn’t feel so bad for not bringing in their share of household income. A gift card to Walmart or similar places is great as well. Any gift cards that help provide essentials are appreciated.
8-Depending on your person, a book, audiobook, Netflix subscription, Sudoku book, cross stitch chart, or something like that is great. Anything to keep a person’s mind off their illness is helpful.
9-A phone call or message. When I was diagnosed, I had some people run to me…but most ran away from me. No one knew what to say to me, so they said nothing. That leaves a person feeling really lonely. The biggest advice here…remember your friend is still your friend. They aren’t suddenly CANCER. They often still have a job. They still have kids. Talk to them about everyday things you always talked about in the past. Don’t suddenly think all conversation needs to revolve around the illness. They live with the illness every day. Talking about something else is refreshing. If the person wants to talk about their diagnosis, they will. You don’t need to bring it up. Remember, one call is good…regular calls are the best.
10-If you bring a meal, bring it in a disposable container. It’s so hard, as someone sick, to remember whose stuff is whose. It’s also hard to return things. Always put a note with cooking instructions on a container. The Dollar stores have cheap disposable containers. Bringing things that freeze is best. Then they can have the meal when they want…or call and say, I’m bringing supper for you tonight and they know in advance to use it that night.
11-One of my PET peeves is when people tell me I look so good. The deep meaning behind that is “I expected to see you lying on a bed with your head shaved”. No one needs to think about that. Also…looks aren’t everything. Someone looking at me doesn’t know I still suffer from bad back pain. They don’t know I take pain medication. It negates the unseen battles the person is dealing with. Instead, say, “It’s good to see you.”
12-One of the best things our kids did when Kramer was sick was to hold a gift card shower. They wanted to have a benefit. Kramer said absolutely not. He was not having it. Instead, the kids anonymously put together the gift card shower. They did it discreetly through Facebook. They sent something out to all our friends and family, and Kramer and I never knew. The card shower was a big blessing and made Kramer and me feel really loved. I almost cried every time I went to the mailbox. Kramer never knew the kids did anything. He just thought it was kind family and friends…not something planned by the kids.
13-If your person cries when you visit. Let them. Feel honored that they trusted you with their problems enough to open up to you. It’s hard…you might end up crying too, and that’s totally okay.
14-Care packs are nice. I had a blog reader send a pack with a water bottle, cozy throw, and some other stuff. I have quilts all over the house, but that light blue throw won them all over. I used and still use it all the time. The grandkids learned it was mine. HA!! Thanks so much to the person who sent that. It was a real comfort.
15-Stay the course. Cancer gets really old really quick. Don’t drop your friend/loved one. They need you.
I’m sure there are more things. Right now, my brain can only think of those things.
I believe you were meant to write this blog post today. It is perfect timing as I just found out a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, surgery is Oct 8. I was wondering what I could do for her. Thank you for the thoughtful ideas.
Joyce,
May I suggest that you check out fabric patch.net. They have an annually breast cancer auction, as of last week they were still accepting applicants to receive the funds they raise. There is a tab “breast cancer charity” with details.
k. Jo
I will check it out. Thank you!
Thank you for these suggestions, Jo. It’s hard to know ow what is best to do and this is a great help from someone who really knows.❤️❤️❤️
You’re right, thank you!❤️
I would add one more thing to the list: donate to organizations that do research on whatever illness a person might have.
YES. That’s a good one.
This is a great post. Thanks.
I always take a huge bag of paper products to friends who lose loved ones. Thank you for validating that urge. Oh, and I also put in a box of Rice Krispie Treats because no day can be entirely bad if I have a Rice Krispie Treat. In full disclosure, I usually eat one while I visit with them.
These are such great suggestions. I hope I will remember some of them if the need arises. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!!! All of those are wonderful ideas! I’ll be using them.
Thank you, Jo for this wonderful post. It’s given me lots of ideas for helping others. I’m getting more and more housebound due to arthritis. One of my friends, God Bless her, brings baking for us. It is not only a treat for us but leaves us something nice to serve others when they come to visit. I used to bake daily. My husband really misses that. So her treat really is just that. I hope this hint will help someone else.
Thank you Jo. Having dealt with a cancer journey with my husband, I can say that all of your points are useful. My husband’s very closest friends were wonderful in just showing up and chatting, his family and my friends not so much, and that hurt.
My college roommate’s parents would often visit “shut-ins”. Her mom would visit for a few minutes but her dad liked to secretly plant tulip bulbs in their flower beds or pull a few weeds. He had a green thumb.
At another time when our family lost a love one, someone included a basket of miscellaneous candies among the vast gifts of food. The m&MS were perfect. Or was it the snickers?
I was teaching school after a family member had passed away. I had to do morning carpool….just helping kids get out of cars to start the day. One of my student’s dad asked if he could just stand with me one morning. That’s all he did but it was s powerful physical reminder that he was thinking about me. We often tell people we are thinking about them, but he was really showing so respectfully his condolences.
How thoughtful of you, Jo, to share all these great ideas. As we get older and more friends seem to be getting sick, we need all the ideas we can get. The part that really struck me was the one where you say “ some people seem to run away.” Some people just have a hard time expressing how they feel about your news. When my husband died, lots of people called to ask how they could help. That is difficult for the grieving person to answer for the reasons that you mentioned but also you are so overwhelmed with so many things going on that it can be very difficult even if it’s your best friend to give them something that you would like help with. I found that it was much better when people said I am going to come by today with something for you to eat or put in your freezer. Do not feel that you have to talk with me if you don’t feel like it. Sometimes you can put the food in one of those cooler type bags that they have in the grocery stores and leave it on the doorstep and bring the doorbell and say I brought this for you tonight or to put in the freezer. Just tell them what you’re going to do. I’m going to pick up your children tomorrow after school and take them for a play date, etc. etc. etc..
And another big one is try not to forget the person who’s grieving as the days and weeks go on and after all the relatives and family have left. You are suddenly in a new very different situation and it’s nice to get a quick phone call from somebody or a just thinking of you and mail a note.
All so 100% truth! I will add:
1. To coincide with Jo’s “people stay away”. It is OK to say “I don’t know what to say”. That tells us so much that you care.
2. Come over. Sit with us. Words are not necessary. Your time is a gift.
3. Don’t please DON’T say “everything is gonna be OK”. It is maddening! You’ve no idea what we’ve been told, what the research shows, what our reality looks like.
4. As Jo said, we’re gonna say we don’t need anything. If you know us, you know what we like. Bring a bit of it.
5. Some cancer patients cannot tolerate foods that are warmed (my Dad). But dang, he enjoyed ice cream and would eat a soft serve like there was no tomorrow. The hot meal he loved a few months before? Awful. Cold foods might be the ticket!
6. If your person and you have a humorous relationship, keep it up! Don’t lose that sense of humor and get all serious. She/he needs you more than ever! As Jo said, normalcy.
No, I don’t have cancer. Both my parents did and my bestest friend in the world is currently coping with the whole $hitfest of chemo/huge surgery/more chemo.
To all coping with cancer, to all supporting them, hugs to you. May none of us have a single regret!
Thank you for writing this today. You never know when a friend or family member is going to get that news. This is wonderful information to know. Hugs,
These are great ways to help others. The comment about how people say “You look so good” reminds me of a meme I saw recently. After someone says it to this lady, she says “This may come as a news flash to you, but most of my body is on the inside where you can’t see it.” It was said in jest, but it’s so true. When my mother had emphysema she felt like people were giving her dirty looks when she used her handicap sticker to park close to stores.
My naughty son bought me a walking frame as a joke 60th birthday present years ago. Fast forward a couple of years and my father-in-law was in the final stages of cancer and he wished he could walk around his garden. The frame was used often.
Maybe volunteering to take the person to an appointment to give their family a break. Just be willing to drive them once in a while is nice & a change of pace.
Just being there to talk & know that they are your friend. Compassion goes a long way.
Maybe volunteering to take the person to an appointment to give their family a break. Just be willing to drive them once in a while is nice & a change of pace.
Just being there to talk & know that they are your friend. Compassion goes a long way.
I forgot driving…YES. People offered to help get Kramer to radiation appointments. That was so helpful.
Great advice. I was diagnosed in June. We have had wonderful support from people we never thought we would. With the exception of a non profit that I have been involved in for over 30 years. Just today I found out they have been talking about getting rid of the group. Since I am unable to go to the meetings I assume they feel like they can talk about it and there are signs that they are doing just that. So talking behind a persons back can be very very hurtful. When my father died someone brought paper plates, napkins, etc also. It was very much appreciated ! I have taken a fruit tray or veggie tray to someone who has lost someone in the family. It may be store bought, but they would which store to blame if something was bad. :)
I would like to add to send cards every once in a while or take them flowers !
Those are my two favorite items to receive.
When a dear friend had breast cancer I visited often. Her rule for visits was that I would leave as soon as she asked. No questions asked, no hurt feelings, no one more question, just a hug or kiss or pat and gone.
This is wonderful!