Yesterday was mine and Kramer’s 33rd wedding anniversary. I write this with such crazily mixed emotions.
A blog reader, Lucia, recently wrote:
“Just a small reminder that you do know: Death can end this life, but not a relationship.”
Those words of wisdom were running deep for me yesterday. How hard it was to celebrate an anniversary when the one you share it with isn’t here…will never really be here again, yet he’s here. That’s where the mix of emotions comes in.
I believe Lucia’s words…Our relationship hasn’t ended. I’m still completely and totally in love with him.
I didn’t know if I was brave enough to try to find a few photos of us…but I did. Here’s the wedding party with us on our wedding day.
Does that not scream “1980’s Wedding”????
It was quite the day. It was oppressively HOT. There was no air condition in the church. Given the chance, we likely wouldn’t have picked the day but I was three month pregnant, the minister was available, and we were as ready as we were going to get. I was 20. He was 24.
When asked about our wedding day Kramer would always tell the story that the zipper in his trousers broke and wouldn’t stay up. My mom had to safety pin the zipper in place. It just so happened that there wasn’t time so she had to do it while the pants were still on him. In his words, “That’s when you know your soon to be mother in law likes you. Here I knocked up her daughter and she didn’t jab me with a pin.”
Here’s another wedding picture.
We were so young!!
Here we are 31 years later at the fireman’s breakfast….
..and here we are on March 17th of this year with the kids and grands.
It’s one of my favorite informal pictures. Whos knew all those years ago, that life would bring us five great kids and five grandkids. We had a great run together.
Kalissa was really sweet…Earlier in the week she asked me how I felt about it all. She asked if I wanted to be taken out to eat and celebrate, or just be left alone. I so appreciate her sentiment and letting me decided how I wanted to pass the day. I ended up telling her that I just wanted it to be another day. Going out and celebrating didn’t seem right. Maybe someday it will but not now.
Earlier in the week Kelli brought me flowers….See??Ditch flowers..
I’ll admit…this made me all teary eyed too. Kramer always brought me ditch flowers. They are my favorite. SERIOUS.
So..this last week was a harder week. I’ve found grieving kind of goes that way for me…with some weeks and times being easier…others harder. I think that’s pretty normal.
At the Celebration of Life someone said to me that they were so sorry I only had 32 years with Kramer. Someone from the outside looking it would think that. I really don’t. I’m still with Kramer. I’ll be with Kramer for forever. But more importantly, I had 32 GOOD years with Kramer. I’ll take 32 good years over 50 bad ones with someone that wasn’t kind to me…considerate of me…devoted to me.
Kramer knew a lady that lived where he grew up. She was a gem…someone I aspire to be like. She lost her husband young and finished raising the kids on her own. If you asked her how many years she had been married. She would say something like this:
I’ve been married 42 years…my husband was here with me on earth for 21 or them.
I see me being the exact same way. I’ll always be married to Kramer.
Some people say “you’ll get through it”. That kind of makes it seem like there is somewhere on the other side that I need to get to…that someday it (grieving) will be over. I’ve done this with my mom…I’ve done this with my dad. I don’t think “I’m over” their deaths…I think how I grieve has changed. I don’t cry as often. I think of more happy memories than sad. I foresee that with grieving Kramer.
That’s where I am this week…kind of scattered…happy yet sad, thankful, but disappointed I didn’t get more years. The good news is that even though it’s hard, I’m still mostly thankful. I can see that although this isn’t easy, I can figure it out.