It’s easy to get a little down now and then. January 24th of 2019 is the day we found out Kramer, my husband of 32 years, had cancer…so you can imagine, it’s a harder day around here. Kramer died 129 days later.
For some people dealing with death, hard days are days like Christmas or their anniversary. For me, those aren’t hard. For me, it’s January 24th and the last weekend in April. Both of those are cancer anniversaries.
I’ll admit that I do better and better and better all of the time on the dealing with grief scale. I know what to expect from myself. I know what to expect from the family. I’ve learned to accept that it’s okay to be sad for a day or two. I’ve learned some coping methods that help…and for me, the biggest coping method is to focus on what is in front of me and not what is behind. That doesn’t mean for a minute that I forget about Kramer…just try not to focus on it during that time frame.
So, I throw myself into what is in front of me. For me, the 25th is Kelli’s birthday and she requested a “big family supper”. Our grandson Carver came up with that phrase. In general, it means our family that lives close comes to my house for supper. So my focus turned to that instead.
So we needed a cake. Gannon and I worked on that.
It’s so nice to have Gannon without… Carver as Carver’s personality is so big that sometimes I feel like Gannon is in his shadow. We made brownies for the childcare kids too.
We had a table full to celebrate Kelli’s last birthday with one kiddo. By the time her next birthday comes around, she’ll have two more babies.
Being Kelli was the birthday girl she got to pick the meal. She picked fajitas. That was fine with everyone. We all like them.
It was wild and chaotic. Just what I needed…focusing on what was in front of me.
After everyone went home, I had dishes to do. The dishwasher was full and running but everything didn’t fit. So I washed dishes and thought it was a good night. There is so much in front of me and the family. There is so much to look forward to. We still take little pieces of Kramer forward with us. Craig did a Kramer imitation at the table…Karl drank a “Kramer beer”. Talking about him has become part of our family time together. No one gets upset by it anymore. I appreciate that we’ve come that far.
After the dishes were done I sat down at the computer and this picture popped up on Facebook. Kayla had updated this photo on her page. This is is our family. Although the picture is really blurry it’s a very favorite picture of mine. It was taken the day we moved into this house, January 24th, 2015…six years ago. Friends of ours took us up to the bar to eat after we had moved. It was a casual snapshot of the day. It was before grandkids and cancer diagnosis’. We were all so happy. Kramer and I were so excited to finally be in the house we had worked so hard for.
It was great to look back and see us all so happy. If I let myself, it would be easy to fall into the trap of only looking behind and only seeing what I miss, knowing that we’ll never have that moment again…but I can’t. Instead, I’m appreciating that day and taking it as a reminder that good things happened on January 24th too.
It’s good to look back, remember, and appreciate. I love doing that. I love seeing old pictures. I love remembering a time and a place…
but…I’m also loving the future and where it is taking me and our family…so January 24th, 2021, it was nice to visit you but, I’m moving on…I’m sure we’ll visit again next year but then, thanks to Kayla, I’ll have a happy memory to associate with you too.