I hate filling my pill organizers…So I have three of them. I bought three of them and fill them all at once. Rather than fill them weekly, I fill them all every three weeks. That way I don’t have to fill them as often. This is crazy I know….but it’s a me thing.
I remember filling them a while ago- it was the night after we burned the couch (read about that here if you haven’t). I actually remember the exact moment…the exact thought I had. It was while Kramer was still living…in fact just two days before he passed. I remember thinking, “will this be the last time I fill these before Kramer passes away?” Would he make it the three to four weeks that the doctor suggested. It was about then that I seriously thought about only filling one. It somehow seemed like I could delay the inevitable by doing that.
I knew better though. I knew that if I didn’t fill all of them, things would get hectic and I’d somehow not take my pills like I should. I had just had a conversation with Kramer promising him I’d take care of myself. So…reluctantly, I filled all three of my pill organizers.
He didn’t end up living through one week of my pill organizers..just a few days into the very first one.
Just a couple days ago… I had to fill the the pill organizers all again. It’s been three weeks since I filled them and had the hope that Kramer might have been with me that long. We all regularly hear of people beating the prognosis. We knew Kramer likely wouldn’t be one who did…but we sure hoped he might have been one. Maybe he could live six months! On the same hand, we didn’t want to see him suffering. It’s a terribly awkward position to be in….clinging to the hope of more time but knowing it’s likely not for the best for the person immediately sick…do I be selfish and wish for more time or be brave and let them go. AW…it’s an awful position to be in.
At the end…Kramer did it his way. He “ripped the bandaid off”. It was more of a hard fast pain and not the slowly lingering pain of pulling a bandaid slowly.
I get a reminder every night as I take my pills that I made it one more day without him…and a reminder of my promise to take care of myself.