My phone rang the other day at lunchtime. It was a childcare day. I was running around trying to get the the kids’ plates filled and passed out. My phone was ringing. I was trying to find it. Immediately my mind thought, “Kramer, you know better than to call me at lunchtime.”…and then I lost it.
For those of you who are new here, my husband, Kramer, died last June. I miss him terribly and seriously, would have dropped everything to be able to talk to him. But I was in life mode from over a year ago. Back then I saw him every day. Back then I could talk to him any time during the day if I needed to. Back then he’d be home for supper and I could talk to him then. I took so much for granted.
I answered the phone. It was one of the kids and I tried to mask that I was about to cry. I just quickly said, “Can I call you back after I get the plates on?”
Thankfully the little kids were here and no one noticed my few tears before I pulled myself together.
The kids ate…I turned on the TV to watch the weather…anything to get my mind off what I was thinking. GRIEF. TERRIBLE GRIEF.
I pulled myself together enough to get through lunch, get the kids washed up and laid down…but then, my mind was everywhere. As I cleaned the kitchen I started compiling a list of questions in my head, questions I would ask if I have about an hour of Kramer’s time…questions that I would ask if he ever really could call at lunchtime.
#1-Are you okay? What’s it like where you are? When I get there can I see you? Will we still be together? How does it all work?
#2-Do you miss me like I miss you? Are you so busy you don’t? I hope so. Missing you is so hard.
#3-Did you get to see our new little grandbaby? He’s so sweet. I want to know if you like his name Jasper Jerald or if you would teasingly call him “Ralph” like you always threatened to if you didn’t like the name the kids picked for their babies. I like the name so you shouldn’t. Aren’t Kayla and Spencer doing such a great job with him? Buck and Lora are expecting. Do you know that? I hope you know that. We’ll have grandbaby #7 in April. If Lora goes a couple days later than her due date, the baby might be born on my Dad’s birthday. Tell Dad Hi! Tell him I miss him too.
#4-Is Ruby with you? Does your knee still bother you or can you take her on long walks? Did I do the right thing to put her to sleep? Did you see the new pup Rosie? Can you see how sweet she is and what a pain in the butt she is at the same time? It’s so hard….she’s the first major thing I made a choice on without you.
#5-Did Jody find you? Did she tell you I love you? Is she taking care of you like I asked? Please let her take care of you. She needs someone to take care of and she’s so good at it. Tell her I love her and miss her like crazy.
#6-Did you talk to my Mom? Did she find out the family secrets she always longed to know? Have her patch your jeans. She was always so much better at patching jeans than I ever was…oh and your Mom. How’s she doing? Does she still do everything for your Dad including lay out his clothes?
#7-Have you found every other old farmer and talked their head off about farming and farming and farming? …and did you find Terry and Peggy and Rory? Are you having a few beers with them and chatting about the old days. Man I wish I was there with you.
#8-Did you find your Dad? Did the two of you find Orvin? Are you listening to all their old stories that we loved to hear your Dad tell?
#9-Did you see how much you are missed on the farm? What a year they have had. Did you know Craig is working at the farm? I so imagine you looking down on them all and telling how they should be doing the things you used to do. I miss you coming home smelling like cows and silage and diesel fuel. Who thought I would ever miss that smell?!
#10-I want to work on the trim in the house but don’t have a clue how to begin. I don’t know what pile of wood is for what. I don’t know what you had planned. I wish you were here to tell me. I still feel a little lost.
Oh…and if I get a #11…please tell me how you always fixed the Kitchen Aide mixer when I couldn’t get the beater to go in place….It’s starting to act up again and I don’t know how to fix it myself.
I’m so sorry I took you for granted the times I did and if you would call during lunchtime ever, I promise, I would drop EVERYTHING just to hear your voice…